2016 - My Reflection

It sound incredibly cliche to say but my word this year is lost. I lost so much that I didn't think I ever would. I lost things and something I didn't even know I had or wanted. I lost myself and others.

I truly lost everything in a sense. I lost my way, I lost my beliefs, I lost my mind I guess you could say.

I was in a relationship that deep down was good when it was good but fucking awful when bad.
I lost this relationship long before taking the courage to walk away from it and the only reason for staying was the fact him and his family so actively dragged and chased me back whenever I said 'no I've had enough.' I wasn't strong enough to walk away from something that people were telling me was so desired and needed. A relationship I was being kept in because I was the support holding someone together. A relationship I couldn't walk away from coz whilst everything was crumbling beside me being a support to this meant everything at the time. I was so close to giving up everything else that I couldn't bare the thought of giving up on this too. Another sign I lost my mind, And even when I finally walked and tried to distance myself, we still continued to mess around with one another despite knowing he'd gone back to something that tore us apart so badly and knowing deep down whatever was there was now so toxic and damaging.

I lost something I didn't want and tried so hard to prevent bringing in to the world through the summer and kept it to mainly myself shrugging it off like I didn't care. When deep down I think I cared more than ever. I was numbing the pain with alcohol and god knows what else. I sit now and realise though not wanted right now, the coulda been still runs raw. I lost something I didn't even know I had or wanted and there's some sort of emptiness that comes with that void. There's also a feeling of anger and resentment that comes with it that I'd been trying to deal with. 

I thought I lost friendships due to distancing myself away from anyone and everything. I just wasn't a pleasant person to be around this year. I truly become a person I couldn't even recognise so how I could expect my friends to stand by me I don't know. Thankfully the girls have been there and they know exactly who they are. When I've cried they've wiped the tears. When Ive vented they've sat listened and told me straight. When I've gone off the rails they've understood and guided me. Honestly I owe each one everything. 

I completely lost my direction at the beginning of 2016. Although I didn't lose my job. I lost my desire and passion and cried every night and day struggling with the decision to pack everything up and walk away. I wanted to runaway and never look back. I wanted to throw away everything I had worked towards. I was exhausted in every sense of the word.

I lost my beliefs and sanity. I was an emotional rollercoaster and I didn't even know when I was climbing or falling. I filled my life with such drama and toxicity and I didn't know how or when to step away.

Until recently. Until only about 3 weeks ago. When it just clicked.

I'd been continuously achieving new and great things at my new job, my friends who I thought had run away were there still supporting me, my passion desire and love of life had pushed through and outshone the bad. The numb voids I felt are now full of love, happiness and adventure. New exciting adventures and plans.  The wouldas and couldas I had been so consumed with have gradually became never's and completely unwanted ideas.

I've been able to finally map out what I truly wanted.

I never intended to settle. I never wanted to settle. And I've finally been able to open my eyes and realise life is way too short to sit and drive your self crazy and consume yourself with thoughts. 

Life moves on, people come and go. But nothing stops. And you can't just stop because something bad has happened.

I can safely say for spending the majority of my time this year lost. I've slowly found my way and I'm excited for everything to come.

I'm excited to meet someone and fall in love again. I'm excited to travel and make incredible memories. I'm excited for the future. The woulda couldas thoughts have nearly gone and I'm excited to just start again away from what wasn't meant to be and start what is.

I love that I can now reflect back so positivly to see I'm heading in the direction that's right for me. I'm grateful for 2016, but so ready for the years and plans to come.



  1. Yes <3 so much this. You may have been lost, but you've ended the year beginning an important journey of finding yourself. So proud of you and the fight you have within you <3 xxx

    1. Thanks lovely. I'm definitely in a better place and position than I was a few months back and I'm soo happy to be away from it. Got soo many plans already. No holding back :p xxx

  2. Oh honey you have been so much but you are strong and coming through it! You are a wonderful beauty of a woman who is always kind & welcoming and it's been absolute please to (not) meet you this year. Lets meet in person next!

    C xx

    1. omg we have to meet yes. Whenever you're here next please give me a heads up and we'll meet for drinks and food. xxx

  3. I know we've only recently become aquianted over the last couple of months but you're an instantly likeable person and your goodness shines through. I'm sad to hear these shitty things happened to you, but I'm glad to see that you've come through it and become stronger. You deserve good things, and you seem too determined not to get them.
    Here's to a better year. I look forward to partying with you again! x

    1. haha aww thank you babes. Yess we must party a lot more in the new year please. Although lees of the hangover the next day ;) hahaha xxx

  4. So sorry to hear what you have gone through. But I am excited for what 2017 has to bring for you and I hope it is full of happiness as you deserve it all! Just remember you are worth so much more and look around at the people that love you. And guys ey, they say there are plenty more fishes in the sea :) <3

    1. haha Just saw this, thanks so much lovely. I'm having a lot of fun and have a lot planned for this year soo It's all exciting xxx

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